Enter The Sandman

Mohandas Gandhi once said, "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave."

Reflecting on his profound and wise words, perhaps I have been a coward because I was afraid to exhibit my love for a man. I was so afraid of rejection, I still am. So afraid that I told a certain someone that I only want to be good friends with him - because you can dump a girlfriend, but not a good friend. And I dispelled and discouraged any romantic notions or display of emotions, even when I felt we could be more.

But deep down in my heart, I like him a lot and would like him to be more than a good friend if we can hit it off. Hypothetically speaking, perhaps by putting that wall in front of me, I had unconsciously weed out any rhubarbs of romance from developing.

[My alter ego talking] Why Nel, why do this? You wanted to sound cool and unaffected because you didn't want him to think you're so perasan? You're afraid of rejection? You wanted him, don't you? You love him, don't you?

This morning at four past midnight, I had woken up crying like a wounded, scared child. I had that dream again, the same one I've been having for over a week. This is third time The Sandman entered the realm of my unconscious with The Dream.

In The Dream, a man was driving my car on an endless road. We keep passing this beautiful French colonial house, by a river looking over a lush meadow, over and over again. It's like we had been driving in a circle, but in my dream I knew that we weren't because the road was not bending. It was a straight road that goes on miles and miles infinitely.

In my second dream I told the man, "That's my dream home." To which he said, "Hey, let's stop by then."

In my third dream, we actually walked to the front door and was about to knock and then I woke up. It was really strange. But one thing I know for sure, I do miss having someone who loves me and someone to love.

Perhaps for now, I'll take great comfort from former American First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt's inspiring words, "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

Meanwhile, here's what's humming in my head...

Enter The Sandman

Say your prayers little one
Don’t forget, my son
To include everyone

Tuck you in, warm within
Keep you free from sin
Till the sandman he comes

Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
Off to never never land

Something’s wrong, shut the light
Heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren’t of snow white

Dreams of war, dreams of liars
Dreams of dragon’s fire
And of things that will bite

Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
Off to never never land

Now I lay me down to sleep
Pray the lord my soul to keep
If I die before I wake
Pray the lord my soul to take

Hush little baby, don’t say a word
And never mind that noise you heard
It’s just the beast under your bed,
In your closet, in your head

Exit light
Enter night
Grain of sand

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
We’re off to never never land