Keeping busy

"One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself," Lucille Ball (1911-1989), the Comic Actress once said.

Similarly, for me, to take my minds off The Ex-Hubby and the things that he did to hurt me, I have been keeping busy for the last two years. It worked for a year, but now I find myself too busy for me to handle things. I not only outdid and overdid myself, but I have also overstretched myself.

If only this is likened to my height, I would have grown-by-stretching by 3 inches. Intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and socially my horizons have expanded beyond my expectations in the past two years.

Looking back, I now thank The Ex-Hubby for upsetting my apple cart and for making me realise there is more to it to life than him. I used to live my life for him.

Now that the storms have pacified and the sea is calm, I am able to reflect and climbed up another rung in my self awareness ladder.

I realise this - while "keeping busy" has met its objective in easing the hurt, it hasn't unearthed the roots of the hurt - and it's rotting. It hasn't stopped the bleeding. It just put a band-aid over the old still-bleeding wound.

My point is, "keeping busy" has kept me in denial - things look alright because being a SURVIVOR of an ordeal makes most people look like a picture of resilience and strength, and nothings get her down. If only they know, I am not THAT strong, not THAT invincible, and not THAT hero some people wanted me to be. I am just human, and I am vulnerable.

In keeping busy, I have denied myself a natural healing process, by confronting the hurt and dealing with it by taking the bull by the horn. I took the easy way out - by riding the bull instead, with a vengeance too. Now, I am feeling the pain and hurt all over again.

But I do know this - I must get out of this SURVIVOR mode and get into THRIVER mode.


The Hidden Tiger 

God is playing a wicked trick on me

I have thought about going away some place far away by myself to really think - but really I don't know what to think about. So I go there and do what, think until feel numb and cry my heart out?

I should go to Club Med, there's plenty of things to do since I cannot think of what to think. Anyways... You must be thinking what am I doing at this hour still at work. I'm thinking lah!

I was just reading something on mind mapping. Interesting stuff. Let see if I can use this to solve my problems creatively. Oh what bollocks!!!

Okay, okay, okay...the truth is this...

I hate going home early because I cannot stand coming home to The Empty Home being alone and having no one to talk to and snuggle up to. I don't miss having sex. I just miss the snuggle.



The Snuggle

Back to The Empty Home, I'll end up flipping the channels on the box. There's nothing to watch on Astro anyways. Always end up with Discovery Travel channel. Now I wonder why we're paying the extra few Ringgit after the fee hike. Well, next time I'll just read.

Sigh! I confess, I do miss The Ex-Hubby, no matter how much I hate him sometimes - The First Love is The Best, The First Kiss is The Sweetest. But then again, the First Cut is The Deepest. Ouch!!!

Torturing The Aerophobic, Hydrophobic & Agrophobic

Out of nowhere, I'm having a Sudden Flash Back. And I think it's a hilarious thought too. The Ex-Hubby was very aerophobic, besides being hydrophobic and agrophobic.

There was one time The Ex Hubby and I were flying from San Jose to Los Angeles before taking our flight home to Kuala Lumpur. Must be around September 1993, after I finally graduated.

While flying over the waters of Santa Ana, we hit an air pocket, it dropped almost thousand metres I think. The Ex-Hubby was terribly pale with fear. I was scared too but I just thought, there's nothing I can do anyways if we crashed. So I prayed and continued reading my book.

Then he said, what if we land in the waters? I said, if we didn't die, just take a swim to shore or to the nearest boat if any. Then he went even paler. he said he doesn't swim. So, I said, too late to learn now. But anyways, swimmers or not, the sharks will surely have a feast. I thought that should be a consolation, but guess I scared the shit out of him. He almost passed out from out of breath. Hehehe I wish I can do that to him right now...

Ummmm on second thoughts, why am I thinking of The Ex Hubby?