Aku ingin bebas...

The Hubby and I had a talk over dinner at California Pizza Kitchen in KLCC last Sunday. Love must be blind, because I've never seen him this unappealing in all the 14 years, until that day. The Other Woman must have a bad taste in dressing her man, because The Hubby looked so unfashionable, uncolor coordinated and unkempt. He also looked so bloated and haggard. He looked so plain and ordinary. How could I have loved this man before. Indeed, love must be blind. Ummm either that, or I was just plain angry at The Hubby right now...

After our talk, The Hubby and I mutually agreed on divorce. There is no hope for us to reconcile. That's why we will call the divorce as irreconcileable differences. We will work out on the divorce settlement right after new year, before we officially file for divorce.

Ironically, I feel relieved that The Hubby is leaving me and this marriage. I never realised how much pain and suffering I have endured being with him for the last 14 years - and I survived all his extra marital affairs and emotional abuse. All in the name of love. Everything I did, I did it for my husband, and he took me for granted, big time.

Freedom is what I crave for right at this moment. To be myself and to discover life, once again. I walked into the threshold of 2003, full of hope, for a new beginning. My life with The Hubby is dead and I've buried it. He is going to be The Ex Hubby soon. I'm walking from darkness into light. My dim eyes may not stand the light, but I will walk towards it nevertheless. I will face the music...

This poem says what I'm thinking right at this moment...

Aku Ingin Bebas

By Marzuki

Hidup ini umpama pengembaraan
Yang bila aku sedar aku lupa
Dan bila aku tidur aku jaga
Mimpi itu bukanlah mimpi
Ia cuma perasaan hati kita
Yang ingin bebas dari derita
Tidur itu bukanlah tidur
Ia hanyalah tempat singgah
Untuk kita melepaskan lelah
Sebelum kita tidur selamanya

Aku akan terus berjalan meniti hari hari
Bisa aku lakukan dengan hati terbuka
Dengan tubuh telanjang
Untuk terus berjuang
Dengan azam ditanganku
Dengan jiwa dihatiku
Dengan otak dikepalaku
Aku mahu terus berlari
Tidak mungkin aku mahu berhenti
Tidak sekali-kali untuk aku berpaling lagi

Kakiku ini akan hancur memijak onak duri
Tubuhku akan luka dan calar dimakan api
Sehingga nyawaku tinggal saki baki
Tetapi semangatku tidak akan padam
Kerana aku ingin terus bernafas
Kerana aku tidak mahu pergi
Walaupun hidupku ini telah lama sepi
Walaupun jantungku pernah berhenti berdegup sekali
Jika dahulu aku telah mati
Tetapi kini aku bangkit kembali
Dan aku mahu hidup seribu tahun lagi……

A new chapter, yesterday and tomorrow

I am at a critical point in my journey in which major aspects of my being are coming into question and I can't seem to find the answers to why I started down this road in the first place. Well, did I have a choice? The Hubby left me, I didn't leave him.

When it seems like every piece of my life seems to be pulling apart at the seams, God answered my prayers. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

A job offer from my former boss really helped in times like this because I really am in need of an extra thousand bucks every month to keep afloat. The Hubby no longer pays for maintenance and his share of the household expenses for some time.

Sometimes, things don't turn out exactly as you wanted, but you get better offerings in return. Having been offered an extra two thousand bucks a month is indeed more than what I expected. Alhamdulillah...

I have tendered my resignation with my employer and will be starting my new job in a very big government linked company and one of the largest conglomerates in the country on October 7. Looking forward to a new chapter in my life, I feel stronger and braver.

I suppose Mary Tyler Moore is right, "Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you."

This poem says what's on my mind right now...

Yesterday and Tomorrow

By Marzuki

Yesterday I saw you
Walking and laughing with someone new
And I know that you saw me too

But I pretend that I was happy
I try to hide the feelings inside me
That sometimes I still cry
And the truth is inside I already died

You know I’d do anything for you
But not to love you is the only thing that I can’t do
I’d lost everything if I don’t have you
And what would life be if I have to go through
Those days and nights will be all blue

I walk in the misty shadows
Of our past memories that before this had grow
The young and passionate love is now rest peacefully
except remains of you that still haunting me
But I know one day I will forget you
As soon as my heart stops beating
And as soon as forever is through
I’ll be over you

Verbal constipation, but I will survive!

I didn't write anything for a while because I really don't know what to write, even when there's a thousand and one things going through my mind. It's like being so sad but you can't even shed a tear. Verbal constipation caused by post-trauma anxiety is the reason why I didn't write.

By the way, I read somewhere, anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength. True enough, I have learned my lessons the hard way.

Also because, I was admitted to the hospital two weeks ago for an appendicitis laproscopic surgery. The Hubby was in town but he didn't even make an effort to visit me for even five minutes when I was at the hospital, when all his friends, colleagues came and visited me.

Midget, one of his close friends came by too. When I told her what had happened between The Hubby and I, she said she knew about it. He confided in her some time ago but she didn't have a heart to tell me because my heart will break. So I told her, it wouldn't have made any difference now anyways. It's only a matter of sooner or later - a question of timing.

My break-up with The Hubby was too much stress than I can handle, and I've put myself on supercharge because I was in deep denial that it was over between us. I think my system broke down, so much so, I ended up with appendicitis, in hospital for a week, and another three weeks of post-trauma and post-surgery depression at home is really too much to handle for me, really. I was at a point, almost suicidal. I wished I were dead. I know, The Hubby couldn't even care...

Three weeks, I'm glad I've come to my senses and I'm getting a grip of things, seeing things more clearly now. I'm determined to prove to myself that I can live without The Hubby and I don't need a man to depend on, financially and emotionally. Lyrics from Gloria Gaynor's song "I will survive" is humming in my head. Yes, I will survive :)

One interesting I learn while I was at the hospital, which I find hilarious: What irony, my nurse woke me up just to give me a sleeping pill.

My broken wings

This morning, I woke up so disoriented, as if I had the worst nightmare of my life - Nightmare on Elm Street pales in comparison to mine. Just can't believe that The Hubby actually left me, after 14 years we've been together, and married for half of those years.

Today, at work (yeah am so in denial I went to work like nothing happened last night), I think I was floating on air, and my feet wasn't touching the ground. Probably post-trauma dilemma?

Trying to get a grip on reality, tonight, I revisited The Hubby's e-mail...

Aimee is right. Life is too short to be thinking about right or wrong. One's happiness is the only thing that matters. Call it selfishness or whatever but that's the actual fact.

Sometimes, we think we want something, being driven by ideals and what not, but deep inside, at least subconsciously, we want something totally different. I want you to be happy, and of all the people in the world, I think you deserve that.

I know the sacrifices that you have made over the years and I whole-heartedly appreciate it. I know you're a good person and I truly think you deserve something better. But whether it's me who will provide it or not, it's not something that neither one of us can guarantee...

Sometimes our judgement or perception of one we think we love is clouded by our ideals or what we think are our ideals. Aimee is right. Listen to both your heart and mind.

I know you're a good person and I wish that we could have seen this earlier. I am so sorry for hurting you. I realise that by continuing, I will be lying to you and to myself.

I know you're capable of much greater things and I do not want to be the reason for holding you back. I am amazed by your resilience and your will to carry on with your normal life even when I am here (in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah). When I see you that way, I know you're destined for greater things...

My point in all this is, I do not want to continue living a lie. I do not want to continue torturing you. I do not want to hold you back...Please forgive me.

I cried again tonight - when it rains it pours and my tears would have kept RSPCA really busy because it's been raining cats and dogs. Dear God, what has happened to me, what will happen to my life? Is there life after love?

At the moment, I really don't know what I want to do and I don't know what I want anymore. Shall I tell Mak, Abah and my best friends yet?

All that I know right now, is that I'm dead, my life has just ended yesterday when The Hubby left me with broken wings. How can I ever mend this?

Tonight, I lived

It has been three silent nights filled with anxiety and confusion for me. After four days being MIA, AWOL, The Hubby finally sent me an e-mail today.

True to my gut feelings, it is a break-up note. Omigod, Omigod, Omigod!!! It is really a break up note from The Hubby. I was trying to convince myself this is not real, just a bad dream, and I'll wake up and all this is over and I have my life back...

Yes, I was in denial. Still am in denial. Now that I had read his e-mail over and over again until it sank in my guts, reality bites. Reality just bites, and very hard too, that I feel I'm bleeding to death. Painful and bitter as it is, I just had to believe it's here. D-Day is here. It's a fact...

Why can't he talk to me in person like a gentleman? I mean, just sms, followed by an e-mail? What kind of fucking crap is this? If he can send a rombongan to ask for my hand in marriage, can't he at least come talk to me face to face in letting me go? This has got to be the biggest joke life has ever played on me.

The Hubby said, he had never lied about having loved me very much, I had been a very good wife to him, a truly perfect wife, indeed. I was his ideal woman. Nevertheless, ideals change and I'm no longer his ideals. So it seems. So he cannot imagine spending the rest of his life with me another 10, 20, 30 years. He said, sometimes our judgement or perception of the one we think we love is clouded by our ideals or what we think are our ideals. Yeah tell me about ideals...

He also confessed that he has been unfaithful to me even before we got married. While we were engaged to be married, he knocked out a girl while he was posted in Sandakan, Sabah. Despite knowing this a month before marrying me, he continued with our wedding. So he said he's been living all these years in guilt - to me and to the girl he knocked out and his bastard. Hounded by the guilt, he sought out another affair - with his office colleague, Pamela, while he was working at the bank.

I cried my heart out for about three hours after reading his break-up e-mail. I think it was the longest three hours in my entire life - as I see my life crumbling before my eyes. My whole life has been The Ex Hubby, just him, him and him. My whole being revolves around him - I live for him, him and him.

Like a bad soap opera, Trisha Yearwood's song is playing in my mind right now, "how can I live without you...I want to know..."

Anyways, after that crying, my old friend, City Slicker called me to ask me if swimming lesson tonight is on. Then, I remembered, I was running late for a swimming class that I was giving my friends - City Slicker, Goldilocks and her friend. I was tempted to cancel the class.

I mean, I didn't feel like doing anything but just bury my head under the pillow and probably suffocate myself to death or slash my wrist and bleed to death or something like that. Yeah, I was feeling kinda suicidal at times.

But then, I thought, if I start doing that tonight, I will be doing it again and again. In the end, I decided to take the bull by the horn and face the music. I told City Slicker that I may be half an hour late, but I WILL BE THERE no matter what. None of my students suspected that I've been crying, because I acted cool as if nothing catastrophic as this had happened. Hey, I even cooked some supper for them and we joked about things!

Tonight, I lived. Tomorrow I hope to live. Maybe tomorrow, my ideals would change...

The Invisible Wife

It's our 7th wedding anniversary today. This morning, I had looked forward to talking to The Hubby who has been posted to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah since February this year.

The Hubby said he couldn't wish me the same - he will call, sms or e-mail me why later. It's past 8:00 p.m. and he hasn't called, and he wouldn't answer my calls. I don't feel good at all about this and I have this strangest feeling because he is acting soooooooo weird.

Earlier in June, he told me that I didn't have to quit my job and follow him because he wasn't sure how long he will be posted to Sabah. Now he's telling me this? The last time he flew back to Kuala Lumpur last month, he gave the cold shoulder and ignored me throughout his stay as if I was invisible. Am I now the invisible wife?

I spent my wedding anniversary alone tonight - in tears.