Lazy Sunday

It was a Lazy Sunday. I did nothing all day. I just lay on my bed alone, enjoying the warm sunshine and cool breeze that came in through my bedroom windows. It was such a delicious feeling as the breeze brushed against my skin under the warm sunlight.

Rolling on my bed, I was thinking about my life in general. Taking stock of what I'm not happy about and what I'm contented with in my life right now. Mostly what I'm not happy about are what really need my attention and action, badly.

I'm not happy with the way I organize priorities and other things in my life lately. I used to be so organised, ask Belle of the Party. I was thinking of the 5S Principles, something that will simplify my life and make it more liveable. I really need discipline and will power.

I'm also not happy with the way I've evolved emotionally, not to mention physically. Physically, I seriously need to lose another 5kg in three months. I don't like the way I look right now. I feel like Ms Couch Potato, that potato in bikini I always put up on my chat window on Yahoo Messenger. Urrrrggghhhh!

I remember what my friend Osiris used to tell me, "Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got." Right now I feel like Ms Couch Potato.


Ms Couch Potato 

I'm also not happy that I'm being overly flexible. When I'm with other people, I sometimes tend to be the person they expect me to be. Not be myself as I really am. I'm a people pleaser, and sensetive to other people's needs, that sometimes my needs become unimportant. But I would do it, and even if I'm not happy doing it initially, I would be happy being able to make another person happy by doing it. Even at my own's expense. That's one of the occupational hazards of being in public relations. Right now, I just have to learn how to say "no". Am learning, am learning...

'm not happy that I'm deprived of my personal space at home. I've been surrounded by so many people lately, especially now that I have two house mates, one of whom does not understand personal boundaries that I need to have. I hate it when people use my hair brush. And I don't like having to search high and low for things, only to find them among one of my house mates' personal belongings. What's wrong with asking for my permission. People always take things for granted, they always do.

I'm also unhappy with the many failed relationships I've had in my life, because my heart has become such a mess with so many heartbreaks scarring its core. Will I ever heal? If it's only skin, I only need lots of Vitamin E and Rosehip Oil to heal the scars, and maybe a surgery or two. But how do you heal emotional scars? Even a heart by-pass surgery won't heal a broken heart...

Right now, I feel really crowded inside my head and my heart. I have re-invented myself over and over again, I'm beginning to not really know who I really am inside. Ija, Iza, Liza, Nel, what next. I know for sure I don't have a multiple personality disorder because all my personalities are best buddies, and will not try to outwit one another. But I think every now and then, I need time alone to get to know myself again, go on vacation or something. It's necessary now. I need to keep my sanity.

What I'm happy about is that I am still sane and grateful to be alive and healthy, despite all the emotional batterings, frustrations, failed relationships, post-separation and post-divorce financial hardships, career mid-life crisis, personal post quarter life crisis and being celibate, or vegetarian as they call it.

At the beginning of a new life

Mahatma Gandhi once said, "Live simply so that others may simply live."

Taking on that, I realised that the last thing on earth we'd ever expect is exactly what's coming. Nel thinks, don't waste time wondering what that might be. Just ditch plan A and get a good head start on plans B and C.

Talk about a paradigm shift in Nel's no longer simple life, this poem says what I'm thinking right now....

Tahiti 


At The Beginning of a New Life

By Marzuki

On one dull morning
A juice glass slipped from my hand
It shattered on the kitchen floor
I stared at the broken fragments
And burst into tears
My life is like this glass
I thought
Shattered into pieces
Then
A startling image popped into my mind
-a picture of a stained glass window
Wasn’t it made of pieces of broken glass?
The image brought a healing insight
I realized I could create a new
A new reality out of the shattered pieces of my life
It wouldn’t be the same
But it could still be beautiful

Some hill at sunrise

Sabah Islands 



I think I should really find time to climb up on some hill at sunrise. Everybody needs perspective once in a while. I think I'll find it there. Maybe...

Albert Einstein once said, "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Dear God, I really need a good vacation! Badly...

Please, please, please, send me more money, and lots of them, and very quickly too, so I can afford one before I start to emotionally disintegrate and think otherwise about the miracle of living...Amen!

Broken Hearted…Again.

just do it 


By Marzuki

I lie awake
Staring at the ceiling
Am I dead yet?
No, but I wish I was dead
Am I still breathing?
Yes, I’m still breathing, heavily
Then what’s wrong?
Ouchhhh!!!!
What?
My heart
Why?
It hurts.
Why does it hurt?
Broken hearted
Again?
Yes, again
What can I do to ease the pain?
Nothing
Just leave me alone for a while
I’ll be okay, someday
It seems that I have grow fond of the situation
I might as well as enjoy it
But I shall tell you this
If you don’t want to get hurt
Stay away from LOVE
Or
You might be just like me
Broken hearted,
again……

You have time for Nel?

Somebody is always busy doing something and going somewhere. Everybody is always busy doing something and going somewhere. Nobody is doing nothing and going nowhere. Is anybody not doing anything not going anywhere?

Hehehe I just love mind twisters. This one was inspired by the traffic jam I was in this morning, due to road closure running up to NAM Ministerial Meeting. Anyways...

On that note, I think finding a friend who has time for you is like expecting gold. So, a friend, who for me finds time on his or her calendar, would be someone I would really value. But then again, the friend, who for me does not consult his calendar, would be someone I would really cherish forever.

Like expecting gold...

American essayist and nature writer, Maurice Setter (1817-1862) once wrote: "Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold."

Maybe that's why I keep missing the train when it comes to relationships, and I find it difficult to fall in love because I'm hoping to find someone who has the right chemistry. Perhaps, the right chemistry is something we develop as we go along?

I was having a conversation on this with a chat friend, Roadrunner today. He didn't agree with me totally. He said, "I thought so but might not always be true. There are instances when the attraction is mutual immediately but it's how the relationship develops later that will depend on other factors. But expecting or waiting for such things is a futile effort. Attraction can be instant but friendship takes time."

Roadrunner said: "Ahh...life is like that. When you like someone, they don't like you. When someone likes you, you don't like them. I've always thought that the chance of both liking each other is so remote. But when things come together, you wonder how, through all the improbable circumstances, you could actually meet and find each other. It's as if fated. Sometimes it's when you least expect it."

expecting gold 


I thought aloud, "Hehehe...so it's just like expecting gold."

To which Roadrunner retorted: "Don't stop expecting gold. Just don't expect platinum..."

Slipping away from my fingers

Have you ever felt like something so precious is slipping away from your fingers? That sinking feeling in your stomach, like it's so near and yet so far?

Oh well...over familiarity must have bred contempt, I guess. I think I'm going to lose someone so precious, a friend whom I love a lot. He's gonna be "just a friend" because he chose too.

But I accept that totally and I respect his decision, because you can't make someone love you as you love him. You can only try and hope he will reciprocate your love. Most times you lose, sometimes you win. I'm not that lucky in love, so far...

So, it's really pointless to lose sleep over for something you're not in total control of, like someone else's heart and the choices he make. You just have to respect the outcome and live with it - if it's something that is never meant to be.

You just have to pick up the pieces and go. No one is really in control of her life and another person's heart. You just try to do the best you can.