This morning, I woke up so disoriented, as if I had the worst nightmare of my life - Nightmare on Elm Street pales in comparison to mine. Just can't believe that The Hubby actually left me, after 14 years we've been together, and married for half of those years.
Today, at work (yeah am so in denial I went to work like nothing happened last night), I think I was floating on air, and my feet wasn't touching the ground. Probably post-trauma dilemma?
Trying to get a grip on reality, tonight, I revisited The Hubby's e-mail...
Aimee is right. Life is too short to be thinking about right or wrong. One's happiness is the only thing that matters. Call it selfishness or whatever but that's the actual fact.
Sometimes, we think we want something, being driven by ideals and what not, but deep inside, at least subconsciously, we want something totally different. I want you to be happy, and of all the people in the world, I think you deserve that.
I know the sacrifices that you have made over the years and I whole-heartedly appreciate it. I know you're a good person and I truly think you deserve something better. But whether it's me who will provide it or not, it's not something that neither one of us can guarantee...
Sometimes our judgement or perception of one we think we love is clouded by our ideals or what we think are our ideals. Aimee is right. Listen to both your heart and mind.
I know you're a good person and I wish that we could have seen this earlier. I am so sorry for hurting you. I realise that by continuing, I will be lying to you and to myself.
I know you're capable of much greater things and I do not want to be the reason for holding you back. I am amazed by your resilience and your will to carry on with your normal life even when I am here (in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah). When I see you that way, I know you're destined for greater things...
My point in all this is, I do not want to continue living a lie. I do not want to continue torturing you. I do not want to hold you back...Please forgive me.
I cried again tonight - when it rains it pours and my tears would have kept RSPCA really busy because it's been raining cats and dogs. Dear God, what has happened to me, what will happen to my life? Is there life after love?
At the moment, I really don't know what I want to do and I don't know what I want anymore. Shall I tell Mak, Abah and my best friends yet?
All that I know right now, is that I'm dead, my life has just ended yesterday when The Hubby left me with broken wings. How can I ever mend this?
Friday, August 23, 2002
Thursday, August 22, 2002
Tonight, I lived
It has been three silent nights filled with anxiety and confusion for me. After four days being MIA, AWOL, The Hubby finally sent me an e-mail today.
True to my gut feelings, it is a break-up note. Omigod, Omigod, Omigod!!! It is really a break up note from The Hubby. I was trying to convince myself this is not real, just a bad dream, and I'll wake up and all this is over and I have my life back...
Yes, I was in denial. Still am in denial. Now that I had read his e-mail over and over again until it sank in my guts, reality bites. Reality just bites, and very hard too, that I feel I'm bleeding to death. Painful and bitter as it is, I just had to believe it's here. D-Day is here. It's a fact...
Why can't he talk to me in person like a gentleman? I mean, just sms, followed by an e-mail? What kind of fucking crap is this? If he can send a rombongan to ask for my hand in marriage, can't he at least come talk to me face to face in letting me go? This has got to be the biggest joke life has ever played on me.
The Hubby said, he had never lied about having loved me very much, I had been a very good wife to him, a truly perfect wife, indeed. I was his ideal woman. Nevertheless, ideals change and I'm no longer his ideals. So it seems. So he cannot imagine spending the rest of his life with me another 10, 20, 30 years. He said, sometimes our judgement or perception of the one we think we love is clouded by our ideals or what we think are our ideals. Yeah tell me about ideals...
He also confessed that he has been unfaithful to me even before we got married. While we were engaged to be married, he knocked out a girl while he was posted in Sandakan, Sabah. Despite knowing this a month before marrying me, he continued with our wedding. So he said he's been living all these years in guilt - to me and to the girl he knocked out and his bastard. Hounded by the guilt, he sought out another affair - with his office colleague, Pamela, while he was working at the bank.
I cried my heart out for about three hours after reading his break-up e-mail. I think it was the longest three hours in my entire life - as I see my life crumbling before my eyes. My whole life has been The Ex Hubby, just him, him and him. My whole being revolves around him - I live for him, him and him.
Like a bad soap opera, Trisha Yearwood's song is playing in my mind right now, "how can I live without you...I want to know..."
Anyways, after that crying, my old friend, City Slicker called me to ask me if swimming lesson tonight is on. Then, I remembered, I was running late for a swimming class that I was giving my friends - City Slicker, Goldilocks and her friend. I was tempted to cancel the class.
I mean, I didn't feel like doing anything but just bury my head under the pillow and probably suffocate myself to death or slash my wrist and bleed to death or something like that. Yeah, I was feeling kinda suicidal at times.
But then, I thought, if I start doing that tonight, I will be doing it again and again. In the end, I decided to take the bull by the horn and face the music. I told City Slicker that I may be half an hour late, but I WILL BE THERE no matter what. None of my students suspected that I've been crying, because I acted cool as if nothing catastrophic as this had happened. Hey, I even cooked some supper for them and we joked about things!
Tonight, I lived. Tomorrow I hope to live. Maybe tomorrow, my ideals would change...
True to my gut feelings, it is a break-up note. Omigod, Omigod, Omigod!!! It is really a break up note from The Hubby. I was trying to convince myself this is not real, just a bad dream, and I'll wake up and all this is over and I have my life back...
Yes, I was in denial. Still am in denial. Now that I had read his e-mail over and over again until it sank in my guts, reality bites. Reality just bites, and very hard too, that I feel I'm bleeding to death. Painful and bitter as it is, I just had to believe it's here. D-Day is here. It's a fact...
Why can't he talk to me in person like a gentleman? I mean, just sms, followed by an e-mail? What kind of fucking crap is this? If he can send a rombongan to ask for my hand in marriage, can't he at least come talk to me face to face in letting me go? This has got to be the biggest joke life has ever played on me.
The Hubby said, he had never lied about having loved me very much, I had been a very good wife to him, a truly perfect wife, indeed. I was his ideal woman. Nevertheless, ideals change and I'm no longer his ideals. So it seems. So he cannot imagine spending the rest of his life with me another 10, 20, 30 years. He said, sometimes our judgement or perception of the one we think we love is clouded by our ideals or what we think are our ideals. Yeah tell me about ideals...
He also confessed that he has been unfaithful to me even before we got married. While we were engaged to be married, he knocked out a girl while he was posted in Sandakan, Sabah. Despite knowing this a month before marrying me, he continued with our wedding. So he said he's been living all these years in guilt - to me and to the girl he knocked out and his bastard. Hounded by the guilt, he sought out another affair - with his office colleague, Pamela, while he was working at the bank.
I cried my heart out for about three hours after reading his break-up e-mail. I think it was the longest three hours in my entire life - as I see my life crumbling before my eyes. My whole life has been The Ex Hubby, just him, him and him. My whole being revolves around him - I live for him, him and him.
Like a bad soap opera, Trisha Yearwood's song is playing in my mind right now, "how can I live without you...I want to know..."
Anyways, after that crying, my old friend, City Slicker called me to ask me if swimming lesson tonight is on. Then, I remembered, I was running late for a swimming class that I was giving my friends - City Slicker, Goldilocks and her friend. I was tempted to cancel the class.
I mean, I didn't feel like doing anything but just bury my head under the pillow and probably suffocate myself to death or slash my wrist and bleed to death or something like that. Yeah, I was feeling kinda suicidal at times.
But then, I thought, if I start doing that tonight, I will be doing it again and again. In the end, I decided to take the bull by the horn and face the music. I told City Slicker that I may be half an hour late, but I WILL BE THERE no matter what. None of my students suspected that I've been crying, because I acted cool as if nothing catastrophic as this had happened. Hey, I even cooked some supper for them and we joked about things!
Tonight, I lived. Tomorrow I hope to live. Maybe tomorrow, my ideals would change...
Sunday, August 18, 2002
The Invisible Wife
It's our 7th wedding anniversary today. This morning, I had looked forward to talking to The Hubby who has been posted to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah since February this year.
The Hubby said he couldn't wish me the same - he will call, sms or e-mail me why later. It's past 8:00 p.m. and he hasn't called, and he wouldn't answer my calls. I don't feel good at all about this and I have this strangest feeling because he is acting soooooooo weird.
Earlier in June, he told me that I didn't have to quit my job and follow him because he wasn't sure how long he will be posted to Sabah. Now he's telling me this? The last time he flew back to Kuala Lumpur last month, he gave the cold shoulder and ignored me throughout his stay as if I was invisible. Am I now the invisible wife?
I spent my wedding anniversary alone tonight - in tears.
The Hubby said he couldn't wish me the same - he will call, sms or e-mail me why later. It's past 8:00 p.m. and he hasn't called, and he wouldn't answer my calls. I don't feel good at all about this and I have this strangest feeling because he is acting soooooooo weird.
Earlier in June, he told me that I didn't have to quit my job and follow him because he wasn't sure how long he will be posted to Sabah. Now he's telling me this? The last time he flew back to Kuala Lumpur last month, he gave the cold shoulder and ignored me throughout his stay as if I was invisible. Am I now the invisible wife?
I spent my wedding anniversary alone tonight - in tears.
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