The Winner Takes It All

Omigod, Omigod, Omigod! I am really divorced now. I am a divorcee. I feel so strange being divorced. It's like standing on the edge of a balcony that has no railings. So free, yet feeling so vulnerable. Perhaps as author and poet Nizami Ganzavi wrote in the epic story "Laila Majnun" "Only man can know the pain of having something he does not need, while needing something he does not have..." Ummmm I dunno why I quoted that, it was just fleeting on my thots right now. Oh well, whatever that means. I'll figure it out later when things make more sense to me.

Perhaps, while I figure out my life, I'll heed Albert Camus's words, "Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better" for the moment.

I can't help but hum this song in my head...

The Winner Takes It All

I don’t wanna talk
About the things we’ve gone through
Though it’s hurting me
Now it’s history
I’ve played all my cards
And that’s what you’ve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That’s her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I’d be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It’s simple and it’s plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don’t wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You’ve come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all......

Mayday, Mayday, it's D-Day!!!

As I stood and wept in the Sabah Syariah Court's ladies washroom, I looked in the mirror. I am looking at myself from outside myself:

A woman remembers her first love and tries to recapture that strange hour, the memory of which changes her deepest feeling and makes her so happy in spite of all the bitterness of its mystery.

marriage license expiry


Today, our divorce was solemnized at the Kota Kinabalu Syariah Court. The D-Day.

I couldn't believe that was The Hubby's voice as he said the "lafaz" in front of the Registrar. He was trembling, and so was I. Before we parted, we just looked at each other and hugged for the last time. We both cried - it was hard to let go of 15 years of our lives - but we both know we must go our own separate ways now.

I couldn't believe The Hubby and I are no longer married. As I flushed the toilet, I felt as if 15 years of sweet and bitter memories together are being flushed down into the toilet when he told me exactly one year ago he wanted a divorce. Today, we are just one month and one week shy of our 8th wedding anniversary - August 18. Eight years of marriage flushed down the toilet huh?

After all the crying was done, I wiped every drop of my tears - not a single drop left unchecked. Outside, my brothers, Shamus and Huffiz were waiting for me - they had accompanied to Sabah to give me moral support. I'm the Big Sister, I must not let them see how vulnerable I was.