Aku ingin bebas...

The Hubby and I had a talk over dinner at California Pizza Kitchen in KLCC last Sunday. Love must be blind, because I've never seen him this unappealing in all the 14 years, until that day. The Other Woman must have a bad taste in dressing her man, because The Hubby looked so unfashionable, uncolor coordinated and unkempt. He also looked so bloated and haggard. He looked so plain and ordinary. How could I have loved this man before. Indeed, love must be blind. Ummm either that, or I was just plain angry at The Hubby right now...

After our talk, The Hubby and I mutually agreed on divorce. There is no hope for us to reconcile. That's why we will call the divorce as irreconcileable differences. We will work out on the divorce settlement right after new year, before we officially file for divorce.

Ironically, I feel relieved that The Hubby is leaving me and this marriage. I never realised how much pain and suffering I have endured being with him for the last 14 years - and I survived all his extra marital affairs and emotional abuse. All in the name of love. Everything I did, I did it for my husband, and he took me for granted, big time.

Freedom is what I crave for right at this moment. To be myself and to discover life, once again. I walked into the threshold of 2003, full of hope, for a new beginning. My life with The Hubby is dead and I've buried it. He is going to be The Ex Hubby soon. I'm walking from darkness into light. My dim eyes may not stand the light, but I will walk towards it nevertheless. I will face the music...

This poem says what I'm thinking right at this moment...

Aku Ingin Bebas

By Marzuki

Hidup ini umpama pengembaraan
Yang bila aku sedar aku lupa
Dan bila aku tidur aku jaga
Mimpi itu bukanlah mimpi
Ia cuma perasaan hati kita
Yang ingin bebas dari derita
Tidur itu bukanlah tidur
Ia hanyalah tempat singgah
Untuk kita melepaskan lelah
Sebelum kita tidur selamanya

Aku akan terus berjalan meniti hari hari
Bisa aku lakukan dengan hati terbuka
Dengan tubuh telanjang
Untuk terus berjuang
Dengan azam ditanganku
Dengan jiwa dihatiku
Dengan otak dikepalaku
Aku mahu terus berlari
Tidak mungkin aku mahu berhenti
Tidak sekali-kali untuk aku berpaling lagi

Kakiku ini akan hancur memijak onak duri
Tubuhku akan luka dan calar dimakan api
Sehingga nyawaku tinggal saki baki
Tetapi semangatku tidak akan padam
Kerana aku ingin terus bernafas
Kerana aku tidak mahu pergi
Walaupun hidupku ini telah lama sepi
Walaupun jantungku pernah berhenti berdegup sekali
Jika dahulu aku telah mati
Tetapi kini aku bangkit kembali
Dan aku mahu hidup seribu tahun lagi……