Tonight, I lived

It has been three silent nights filled with anxiety and confusion for me. After four days being MIA, AWOL, The Hubby finally sent me an e-mail today.

True to my gut feelings, it is a break-up note. Omigod, Omigod, Omigod!!! It is really a break up note from The Hubby. I was trying to convince myself this is not real, just a bad dream, and I'll wake up and all this is over and I have my life back...

Yes, I was in denial. Still am in denial. Now that I had read his e-mail over and over again until it sank in my guts, reality bites. Reality just bites, and very hard too, that I feel I'm bleeding to death. Painful and bitter as it is, I just had to believe it's here. D-Day is here. It's a fact...

Why can't he talk to me in person like a gentleman? I mean, just sms, followed by an e-mail? What kind of fucking crap is this? If he can send a rombongan to ask for my hand in marriage, can't he at least come talk to me face to face in letting me go? This has got to be the biggest joke life has ever played on me.

The Hubby said, he had never lied about having loved me very much, I had been a very good wife to him, a truly perfect wife, indeed. I was his ideal woman. Nevertheless, ideals change and I'm no longer his ideals. So it seems. So he cannot imagine spending the rest of his life with me another 10, 20, 30 years. He said, sometimes our judgement or perception of the one we think we love is clouded by our ideals or what we think are our ideals. Yeah tell me about ideals...

He also confessed that he has been unfaithful to me even before we got married. While we were engaged to be married, he knocked out a girl while he was posted in Sandakan, Sabah. Despite knowing this a month before marrying me, he continued with our wedding. So he said he's been living all these years in guilt - to me and to the girl he knocked out and his bastard. Hounded by the guilt, he sought out another affair - with his office colleague, Pamela, while he was working at the bank.

I cried my heart out for about three hours after reading his break-up e-mail. I think it was the longest three hours in my entire life - as I see my life crumbling before my eyes. My whole life has been The Ex Hubby, just him, him and him. My whole being revolves around him - I live for him, him and him.

Like a bad soap opera, Trisha Yearwood's song is playing in my mind right now, "how can I live without you...I want to know..."

Anyways, after that crying, my old friend, City Slicker called me to ask me if swimming lesson tonight is on. Then, I remembered, I was running late for a swimming class that I was giving my friends - City Slicker, Goldilocks and her friend. I was tempted to cancel the class.

I mean, I didn't feel like doing anything but just bury my head under the pillow and probably suffocate myself to death or slash my wrist and bleed to death or something like that. Yeah, I was feeling kinda suicidal at times.

But then, I thought, if I start doing that tonight, I will be doing it again and again. In the end, I decided to take the bull by the horn and face the music. I told City Slicker that I may be half an hour late, but I WILL BE THERE no matter what. None of my students suspected that I've been crying, because I acted cool as if nothing catastrophic as this had happened. Hey, I even cooked some supper for them and we joked about things!

Tonight, I lived. Tomorrow I hope to live. Maybe tomorrow, my ideals would change...