My broken wings

This morning, I woke up so disoriented, as if I had the worst nightmare of my life - Nightmare on Elm Street pales in comparison to mine. Just can't believe that The Hubby actually left me, after 14 years we've been together, and married for half of those years.

Today, at work (yeah am so in denial I went to work like nothing happened last night), I think I was floating on air, and my feet wasn't touching the ground. Probably post-trauma dilemma?

Trying to get a grip on reality, tonight, I revisited The Hubby's e-mail...

Aimee is right. Life is too short to be thinking about right or wrong. One's happiness is the only thing that matters. Call it selfishness or whatever but that's the actual fact.

Sometimes, we think we want something, being driven by ideals and what not, but deep inside, at least subconsciously, we want something totally different. I want you to be happy, and of all the people in the world, I think you deserve that.

I know the sacrifices that you have made over the years and I whole-heartedly appreciate it. I know you're a good person and I truly think you deserve something better. But whether it's me who will provide it or not, it's not something that neither one of us can guarantee...

Sometimes our judgement or perception of one we think we love is clouded by our ideals or what we think are our ideals. Aimee is right. Listen to both your heart and mind.

I know you're a good person and I wish that we could have seen this earlier. I am so sorry for hurting you. I realise that by continuing, I will be lying to you and to myself.

I know you're capable of much greater things and I do not want to be the reason for holding you back. I am amazed by your resilience and your will to carry on with your normal life even when I am here (in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah). When I see you that way, I know you're destined for greater things...

My point in all this is, I do not want to continue living a lie. I do not want to continue torturing you. I do not want to hold you back...Please forgive me.

I cried again tonight - when it rains it pours and my tears would have kept RSPCA really busy because it's been raining cats and dogs. Dear God, what has happened to me, what will happen to my life? Is there life after love?

At the moment, I really don't know what I want to do and I don't know what I want anymore. Shall I tell Mak, Abah and my best friends yet?

All that I know right now, is that I'm dead, my life has just ended yesterday when The Hubby left me with broken wings. How can I ever mend this?