Quarter-life crisis...

It has been six hours since the new year's celebration's fireworks died at Alamanda Putrajaya. I went to watch a concert and the fireworks. I'm at home now, sitting on my sofa at home, reflecting on my life for the past year. Personal life sucks, especially love life - thank God that I have supportive friends and family. Professional life, I have no complaints, really. I enjoy what I do. Work is work, anywhere you work, you just do your best and rise up to the challenge in the best way you can. It's more than what I can ask for right now.

My personal life, however, have got to change, I have to take a risk in committing to someone because it is what I want - not because my mother approves. It doesn't matter what my mother thinks - I'm 35 years old, for God's sake. Mothers know best, but if I have to wait for another decade before Emak approves of a man I like, I don't think I could do that. Emak is very strong headed, and has a very strong will and determination. I'm glad I inherited some of the good qualities which has helped me get through life's trials and tribulations, and I love Emak so much despite our differences in opinions. It's just that sometimes, I feel like I'm drowning in her "mothers know best" over protectiveness.

I am reminded of Henry David Thoreau, who once said, "Things do not change; we change." The internal chaos in me what I call my "quarter life crisis" are now asking to make very big changes in my life. Just like what Anais Nin wrote in her diary, "There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." So, instead of having new year resolutions, I will implement changes in 2006. I think it's a more focused and systematic approach.

The first change I would like to make in 2006: I no longer would like to be called "Nel" - Emak said it sounds like "knell" which means 1) the sound of a bell rung to announce a death or a funeral i.e. to ring a knell; or 2) something that precipitates or indicates death or destruction. In this case, Emak is right. Nel may be a heavy name for me to carry, probably that's why my romantic relationships keep dying. Since the day I was born, Emak has been calling me Liza, and most of my old friends know me as Liza. Companies do rebranding and so will I :)

I will go back to being Liza from this moment on.

What's in a name? Well, Liza will mean optimism, positiveness - Liza is good news. Liza is a pillar of strength. Liza will have more patience and will power. Liza will not lose her cool and sense of humor in moments or crisis and distress. Liza will be full of conviction and take a stand for what she believes in. Liza will do what she says, delivers what she promises. Liza can be soft spoken and yet strong in her key messages. Liza will be nurturing and full of empathy and compassion. Liza will be a good girl - wholesome and full of goodness, hehehe, just like wholemeal bread. Liza will be more responsible and accountable. Liza will be more conscientious and thoughtful. Liza will be a dutiful daughter, nurturing sister, loving partner, and caring friend. Workwise, Liza will result oriented, quality driven and high performing professional. Liza will work smart, not just work hard. Liza will be a manager than she is now, Liza will be a leader in her own rights.

The second change I would like to make in 2006: I will listen to my heart when it comes to romantic relationships. I will no longer listen to my mom -she wants a financially stable, good looking and educated husband for me. Not that I don't want one too - who doesn't. Every girl who once believed in fairy tales wants to be Cinderella hoping Prince Charming will sweep her off her feet. Over the years, however, my priorities have changed and I no longer am as materialistic as I was back then. I no longer cared if I marry my an "ideal husband" whom Emak would have been proud to show off to our relatives and her friends. Well and good if I get someone like that who truly loves and adores me and if I happen to like him a lot. I just don't want a trophy husband and neither do I want to be a trophy wife. To some people, marriage may be a PR exercise to up your net worth, public image and social standing. For me, I just want someone whom I can talk to and will be with me through good times and bad times. My needs are simple. Err..I don't mind though if he wants to share his wealth with me. Hehehe...

The third change I would like to make in 2006: I want change my financial position. No longer do I want to have any debts whatsoever, with the exception of housing and car loans, which are unavoidable, unless I win a lottery or something. The first thing I wanna get rid of is my credit card debts. Next, I will relook at my spending habits, and change it - I would like to save more money. Skip Starbucks and Coffee Beans - have coffee at Kedai Mamak or at home. Don't keep more shoes than my shoe cabinet can handle. Similarly with my wardrobe - I will go on diet to fit into half of my clothes. Mind you I keep a wardrobe that is meant for two people and that's not enough. Mostly because I keep buying new clothes because I can't fit into my old ones. From now on, only my savings account will get fat, not my body. When I'm already financially sound and have a chubby, if not fat, savings account, I will start to invest aggressively. There's truth in the old financial wisdom, "earn, save and invest" - a simple formula that works for most people for generations and centuries.

The fourth change I would like to make in 2006: I would like to change my attitude towards time - I will respect it. This I have learned from Quarter Master. I will be very punctual and I won't procrastinate anymore, in every aspect of my life.

Having shared with you my plans for 2006, here's some reflections I would like to share with you that aptly describe what some of us may be going thru or had gone through at one point in our lives. I know I had, and probably still am going through it right now...

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis."

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job...and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling onto the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

Random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it - perhaps.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

But you know what? Life is a funny thing, our past always gets larger, while our future always gets smaller. Yet as long as we dream the possibilities of the future always seem to out weigh the tragedies found in both...

Happy New Year 2006!