They say dreams are powerful; so I believe it is worth keeping a journal of the ones that seem to contain a message. For the past three weeks, I've been having a series of dreams that if I would write a script, it would be a soap opera in the making. This soap opera would be called "I Dream of Tahir" - The Ex Hubby.
Last night, I dreamt of having Sahur with him, cooking his favorite food, my gourmet scrambled eggs with smoked salmon and chives. He would tell me I am an excellent cook and he would want seconds or thirds. Like the old days when we were happy together. I miss that. He still lives in the back of my mind and in the corner of my heart. How can you suddenly stop loving someone you have loved for almost 15 years? Which is why I've never really understood why did he changed so suddenly - I still haven't solved the puzzle. Worse, we never had a closure - and the feeling of something undone is very unsettling. If he talks to me at least, I'd feel better and will understand.
I believe that true love never dies, just like an energy - it just evolves. Means, even if I'm not romantically in love with him, I would still love him in other ways. I wish we're friends and that he would open up to me - as friends would.
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Do you still hope to be with him?
Despite his betrayal, I am still fascinated by him, as a dove is sometimes charmed by a glittering serpent. At least, he's courageous enough to tell me the truth about what he had done, and wanted to end our relationship because he could take the guilt anymore.
We had 15 years behind us, and that was a big chunk of my life to just pretend that it didn't happen. I have been in denial, telling myself that it didn't hurt me because I am strong enough. I have done many things I've never dared do before, just to prove that I am - I've even challenged my fears of heights, depths and speed, and I've travelled to foreign countries alone. Just to prove to him that I am over him and I don't need him. In the process, I've become independent and I've achieved more than I can ever imagined I could.
I've also discovered that I don't need him anymore.
The problem is - absence makes the heart grows fonder and I've grown to "want" him as "need" disappears. He's like a strong drug and I can't kick the habit - even doing it cold turkey.
Unless, someone came along and changes my mind...that would be rehab.
True. I had a small relationship with a girl once. It lasted two months. Then she left me for another guy, who left her after a week for another girl, think. Or maybe just left her period. It took me 8 months to understand something really interesting. Sometimes it happens that crap may be thrown at you, bad relationships, platonic and romantic alike, and what matters is not the crap itself, but the reaction. I believe that at the end of my life, if I can tell myself I led a good life and reacted with wisdom and integrity towards most things that happened to me, I can die a happy man.
Pat, you do have a point there about our reactions to situations. It has been said that it is not the cards you are dealt but what you do with them that counts. They say even the strongest of heroes faltered, stumbled and get knocked down - so, it's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get back up.
But being an idealist, I believe that in treating my friends as I do my pictures - place them in their best light. So, I will give him the benefit of the doubt, as because of what happened, I've discovered independence, self-reliance and confidence in my capabilities.
So, if I do want to get even with him, it is only because, the only people to get even with are those who have helped you.
We were living apart for just five months – because he got promoted to Regional Head for Sabah in February 2002. I had planned to move with him to Kota Kinabalu within the year, but later in July he told me that it wasn’t a permanent posting, one of us should stay put in Kuala Lumpur. So, I agreed with him, as we have a house here and my career is going well – and I just got promoted too.
On our seventh wedding anniversary on August 18, I called him to wish him but he said he couldn’t do the same. I asked him why and he said he couldn’t explain to me just yet, and he will write to me later.
When I read his break-off e-mail, barely two weeks after, I cried for three hours. Then, I felt numb and emotionally blank, and I was in a stupor for what seems like an eternity.
Then office phone rang, breaking off the silence. The caller was my friend who called to remind me that I was supposed to hold a swimming class for her and two other friends. I didn’t tell her what happened – instead I told her that I won’t let my students down - I’ll be there. And I did. No one knew I had cried for three hours. After the class, I told them what happened. They were shocked to hear the news, and even more shocked that I reacted as if nothing happened. The truth is, I didn’t know how to react – so I didn’t.
The next two months, I was in denial that the separation was hurting me badly. Instead of crying my heart out, I put up a strong front - I don’t know if it’s pride or plain denial but I refused to acknowledge that my heart was bleeding.
I’m not into drinking now compared to my younger days, and I don’t want to become an alcoholic after watching Nicholas Cage in “Leaving Las Vegas” - so I avoided alcohol. My springing back strategy - I socialized more, made a lot of friends, volunteered in professional associations, signed up for toastmasters, vigorously exercised and joined an outdoors & outbound club.
I was doing well for two months, and then, I had appendicitis. I was alone and in pain in the wee hours of 4:00 a.m. and my mobile prepaid credit had run out. I didn’t have a house phone back then, and I don’t want to disturb the neighbors either. So, I hung on until I passed out and woke up around 6:00 a.m. Despite being in pain, I drove myself to the hospital – it was a courageous act of stupidity, I had to confess. That morning, I was admitted into the hospital and the doctors told me they had to operate on me immediately.
Recuperating was not easy as I was allergic to most antibiotics and painkillers. Some of The Ex-Hubby’s friends came by and one of them who didn’t know what happened, assumed that he was taking care of me as she saw him in town. It was painful knowing that he was in town and couldn’t even bring himself to at least drop by at the hospital to visit me even for a while. That onset my depression – it was the lowest point of my life.
I was fortunate that my family was supportive - I get to spend more quality time with my family while recuperating. After three weeks of crying, consoling myself, I decided that I have hit rock bottom when I started to pity myself - and when you've hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up – and up I go.
As if my savior, my ex-boss called me to offer a new job with a good package – I took the job, as it was a great opportunity for me to move up, and I was terribly broke having to fork out two income commitments on one income.
That was a wake up call, and I hadn’t looked back to the deep gully of my depression since then. I turned a new leaf – I projected only positive attitudes towards life. It has been said that a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
A month later, I settled in my new job. Three months after my surgery, I began physical training to climb Mt. Kinabalu – and reached its highest peak, called “Low’s Peak” on The Ex-Hubby’s birthday on 21 March 2003. By the way, the date was just a coincidence, not out of vengeance. For a short while, I projected only positive attitude, so as to annoy him and to let him know that I can survive without him and that I am emotionally independent. But after a while, this positive attitude that I have projected becomes habitual and becomes me.
In exposing my feelings for him in public in my blog, I took the risk of being dismissed as the raving of a mind at the end of its tether, unable to distinguish fiction from reality, real life from the jejune fantasies of a lost love. But believe me, it’s not that.
I may be an idealist, but I am also a realist too. I’m just being honest about what I feel, and as feelings are transient – as I have learned from him – tomorrow I may change my mind about him. I have learned that what is true today, may not be true tomorrow. We will just have to take one day at a time.
So, yes, you do have a point, love is fickle.
Nel,
Haven't visited your blog for a while.
(I'm still speechless here..)
You write very nicely, and your experiences touched my heart.
InsyaAllah, will be reading you up more in the future.
God bless :)
-Yam @ bluekoala.blogspot.com-
Dearest Yam,
Life comprises a set of experiences, as you know. I am what and who I am today because of my life's experiences. They haven't been all rosy but they haven't been all thorny either. I realise that if they have been all too rosy, I wouldn't be compelled to overcome - I'll probably take things for granted. Because I've known hardship, I appreciate the good life that is Allah's blessing. Because I've known heartache, I embrace every happiness that I feel.
I believe, "there's a silver lining in every cloud" - in every way every little experience in life is a blessing. It comes, teaches you a lesson, leaves a mark and shapes you - depending on how you react to it and rewards you if you persevere enough.
You win some, you lose some - but at the end of the day all things are even. We just have to take come what may - in good stride - and figure out how best to deal with it with whatever available resources we have at that point of time.
I'm glad you dropped by my blog - good to hear from you again and for the kind words about my writing [hehehe, my stress reliever].
Hope you enjoyed your facial on Saturday? I'd say yes, go get that body massage :) Go, girl, pamper yourself!
Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri, and have a safe journey if you're traveling!
Nel
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